Projects die in advertising. It just happens. We all know it. But sometimes you really wish they didn’t. These are those projects.

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Pitching clients has the potential to be a lot of fun. Sure, the hours are long, and the process is stressful. But the ability to show a company just how weird you can get is thrilling.

The whole concept was to highlight the horrors of everyday life, from feeling bogged down after a not-so-healthy lunch to the over-the-top stuff people do to bulk up. It's all stupid and a nightmare, but we have a solution—a simple smoothie.

Though these scripts never made it out alive, they made us all laugh.

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I just wanna start off by saying that Top Gun is my favorite movie of all time. I grew up watching a copy of the movie my parents taped off broadcast TV (commercial breaks and all), probably 100 times during my childhood. Without a single ounce of irony, I love this movie with all my heart.

So, when my partner and I were given the opportunity to hop on Haribo’s Chewy Channel project and do a gummi version of TV and movie tropes, my smile got bigger than Maverick’s after Charlie snuck him her address. I harkened my inner Tony Scott and started writing the best story about gummi bear stunt pilots to ever exist. The client said this script had her favorite joke ever presented to her. This script was client-approved and ready for production.

What happened, you ask?

Our production was scheduled for April 2020. The pandemic put us on hold. When it picked up again, the client seemed hesitant about making a video involving a large crowd of spectators at an air show while we were in lockdown for a pandemic for some reason. I don’t really know why. This labor of love was deader than Goose.

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When it comes to advertising for tires, you generally only see two types of spots:

Show how the tires can handle treacherous road obstacles.
Up-close shots of the beautiful tire tread with VO over it.

So, when Big O Tires came to us to bring hype around their new Big Foot tire line. We did what we needed to do—by getting Bigfoot, dressing him in a lab coat, making him soft-spoken yet mercurial, then sending him to the auto shop to teach the Big O techs about the ins and outs of the new tires.

The client loved the whole idea. But much like Bigfoot itself, the project didn’t exist despite hearing a lot about it being real.

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Who doesn’t love a good travel show? Seeing these unique personalities travel to different ends of the world and interact with new cultures and foods is probably the closest many of our broke asses will be able to go ourselves. So, when Haribo asked us to write a script featuring a multi-pack of gummies from around the world to celebrate the company's 100th birthday, it was time for my partner and me to create a personality with a passport of our own.

One would think that as a writer I would try and emulate an immaculate wordsmith like Bourdain, but this stuff is for kids and is supposed to be fun and funny, so I dug deep and took most of my inspiration from a goofy and lesser-known travel host, Huell Howser. And just like that Beary Gold (one of my favorite punny names) was born.

The client loved the script. They were charmed by the silly nature of Beary and the little friends he made along the way. This was locked and ready for production. But much like the Air Bears script above, COVID happened and the client wasn't too comfortable glorifying international when we were all locked in our homes. And that's why this project sadly never left the tarmac.

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I'm gonna tell you a little something about myself. I don't really like musicals. Even as a kid, I would watch Disney movies on repeat and still fast-forward through the numbers. Most of them just aren't for me.

That said, I have written a LOT of songs in my short career, and this was the project that started them all. This is a hell I created for myself.

Back in 2019, a friend came to me with a passion project he had rolling around in his head. With the election on the horizon, we knew all of the hate and vitriol was coming to a fever pitch (We weren't wrong. They stormed the Capitol.). We wanted to do our part to quell our differences and show the world that no one is better than anyone else. And one of the most indiscriminate forces in all of pop culture is zombies. They don't care what you look like or believe in, zombies just want to eat you.

From this, we wrote an elaborate musical number about how everyone, regardless of age, race, religion, or gender, tastes the same to zombies. Eventually, our company caught wind of the project and put some money and resources behind it. The next thing we know, we're singing our silly little song over the phone to a higher-up of NBC Universal. We were told that they loved it...then crickets. We were ghosted by the peacock. Soon after, all steam for the project was lost.